A very liberal democrat

On the happy occasion of the announcement of the forthcoming lesbian nuptials of Margaret Smith, Liberal-Democrat MSP for Edinburgh West.

If it wisnae for oor lesbians where wid we be
In a parliament of rampant heterosexuality
Cause we’d hae nae minorities or even be non-PC
If we didnae hae oor share o’ the lezzies

Oh Maggie Smith is wonderful, oh Maggie Smith is swell
Cause she’s not only a lezzie, she’s getting wed as well
It’s tae anither wummin in case ye couldnae tell
Oh we’re fair modern, we’ve got married lezzies

Big Tam takes a flakey

On the occasion of Sean “Big Tam” Connery complaining about the promotion of Scotland, saying he won’t support Tartan Day again and saying the people of Scotland should ‘take to the streets’.

Whit is it wi’ Big Tam?
The wife-beating
Miserable bam.

He wis a milkman
Fer goad’s sake.
Noo he’s a feckin ham.

The man who wants to be king?
That wis just a film.
He’s an actor. It’s a scam.

So he’s in a huff,
Whit’s feckin new?
Like I should give a damn.

Noo he wants a revolution,
Scots taking to the streets?
The streets o’ the Bahamas?
Whit a feckin sham.

Greatest living Scotsman?
I think you’ll find ah am.

Shut it, big Tam.
Haud yer wheesht.