Filler

It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in your tank
Under the moonlight you catch a wiff that’s smellin’ pretty rank
You try to clear but water floods the floor before you make it
You start to scream, but a hero is on hand to have a bash
He’ll only take cash Continue reading “Filler”

St. Vincent

mcleanBathroom shining white
Fix that shower and the old bidet
Realign that water spray
With eyes that know the darkness in my bowl.
Smudges on the bills
On your knees amid the toilet spills
Catch the slops and use your skills
To get your payment on demand

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
And how you struggled to fit that vanity
How you tried to let them pee
They would not plumb, they did not know how
Perhaps they’re plumbing now

Bathroom shining white
Smelly powers of strange bouquets
Swirling clouds of violet Haze
Reflect in St Vincent’s eyes, that china loo
Colours of shampoo
Morning needs, that usual strain
Flushing faeces down the drain
Soothed beneath the plumber’s loving hand

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
And how you struggled to fit that vanity
How you tried to let them pee
They would not plumb, they did not know how
Perhaps they’re plumbing now

For they could not pay you
But still, your bill was true
And when no soap was left inside
In that bathroom shining white
You left a hole as plumbers often do
But I could’ve told you, St Vincent:
This bathroom was never meant
For one as beautiful as you.

Bathroom shining white
Towels hung in empty stalls
Radiators in countless halls
With guys that plumb the world with no sweat
Unlike the plumbers that get wet
The cowboy men in plumbing clothes
A pipe is torn, the water flows
Clothes lie soaking on the bathroom floor

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
And how you struggled with that vanity
And how you tried to let them pee
They would not plumb, they’re not plumbing still
Perhaps they never will…

Plumbing Rhapsody

wintonIs this a real job?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught on the wet side,
No escape from a guarantee
Open your eyes, look up to the guys like me
I’m just a plumber, I need no sympathy,
Because I’m easy plumb, easy dough, Little dry, little flow,
Any way the bend goes doesn’t really matter to me, to me

Mama just billed a man,
Put a ton against his spread, made it bigger, now he’s bled
Mama, the job had just begun,
But now I’ve gone and flushed it all away
Mama, ooh, Didn’t mean to bleed him dry,
If I’m not plumbing again this time tomorrow,
Carry on in the john as if nothing really splatters

Too late, it’s time to plumb,
The shower’s not so fine, drain’s stinking full of lime
Good God it is shoddy but I’ve spent the dough
I need a new hub-spigot and that’s the truth
Mama, ooh, I don’t want to buy,
I sometimes wish I’d never been a plumber at all

I see a little plumbing ghetto from my van
Looks a skoosh, looks a skoosh, can of orange Tango
Tensile bolt needs tightening, very, very exciting me
Thomas Crapper, Thomas Crapper, Thomas Crapper Mario
Magnifico

But I’m just a plumber and nobody loves me
He’s just a plumber from a plumbing family,
Spare him the strife of bulk viscosity
Easy plumb, easy flow, will you give me dough
St Vincent! No, we will not give you dough
(Give him dough!) St Vincent! We will not give you dough
(Give him dough!) St Vincent! We will not give you dough
(Give me dough) Will not give you dough
(Give me dough) Will not give you dough (Give me dough) Ah
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama mia, give me dough
Inland revenue has a bill put aside for me
For me
For me
For me

So you think you can phone me and say it’s not dry
So you think you can moan at me and start asking me why
No maybe, you’ve paid it now, maybe
I’m going out, I’m gonna get right out for beer

Nothing really splatters, Anyone can pee,
Nothing really splatters,
Nothing really splatters on me
Any way the bend goes…