Thirsk sits snuggled in North Yorkshire, in the heart of what the tourist board is anxious to call Herriot Country. It’s an old-fashioned market town built around an imposing square and has a population of 4500 which doubles when the neighbouring villages of Sowerby and Carlton Miniott are included. And triples when the races are in town.
The Yorkshire Dales are to the west, the North York Moors are to the east and a whole lot of pubs and sheep are in between. It is the birthplace of Thomas Lord (he of the cricket ground), was mentioned in the Doomsday Book and is home to a 90-year-old Ritz cinema and a 500-year-old church. Most famously these days it was the inspiration for the town of Darrowby in the books of James Herriot. Market Square, where the main business of the town has been carried out since early medieval times, is reminiscent of French town squares – or Kelso if you are fortunate enough to have had the pleasure. On busy days – race days, market days or the entire summer – you take your life in your hands trying to cross the square such is the volume and pedestrian-hating nature of the traffic. However the quest is worth it if you can find a table outside a pub and watch the world go by.
As well as Mr Lord and Mr Herriot, Thirsk was home to coiner and murderer Thomas Busby, whose ghost was thought to haunt the Busby Stoop Inn at the crossroads where he was gibbeted for his crimes. For more than 20 years no-one would sit in the chair that now hangs in a local museum kitchen for fear of the dreadful fate said to await anyone who braves Busby’s curse. There is something similar at Ye Olde Three Tuns where one seat bears the inscription “Barry’s Chair” and some dreadful fate probably befalls anyone else who sits in it.
Where To Eat
An oasis amidst the culinary desert of North Yorkshire is Charles Bistro, an elegant little establishment half-hidden down Bakers Alley, just off the main square. Surprisingly and gratifyingly, this is perhaps the only establishment in the whole county which doesn’t offer every dish served in a big foxtrot-oscar Yorkshire pudding. Praise the lord. Instead they serve up food as the rest of the world agrees to be appropriate – and very tasty it is too. The Plumbers would recommend the Beef Wellington or the fillet steak with a pernod and escargot sauce. Add to this an excellent cheeseboard and you can’t go too far wrong. The Thirsk tartlets looked very appetising too but we didn’t indulge.
Elsewhere in Thirsk you will find a host of pubs in and around Market Square offering ‘traditional pub grub’. It really doesn’t matter which you opt for because it will all be the same. Gird your loins, kiss your bottom goodbye and choose from steak pie, lasagne, Cumberland sausage or fish and chips – each and all served in the obligatory foxtrot-oscar pudding. If the whole world is a circus then eating out in Yorkshire is the lion-tamer’s pants.
Yet even amidst the desert there is a dry spot and special mention must be made of the Saddle Room Buffet at Thirsk Racecourse. If you like your food to be cold, insipid and preferably orange then this is the place for you. Possibly the only place in the western world to serve orange steak pie. We would recommend starvation as a viable alternative.
Where To Drink
There is no shortage of public houses in Thirsk, no less than seven of them dotted around the cobbled Market Square in the heart of the town. There you will find The Golden Fleece, The Black Bull, The Three Tuns, The Black Lion, The Blacksmiths Arms, The Royal and The Darrowby Inn. Drink your way round that lot and the square will be going round and round. Of the above, we’d recommend the Darrowby and the Black Bull but each to his own. If you don’t like one, try another. In fact try another one anyway.
Ye Olde Three Tuns is on Finkle Street, just off the square and if you are happy to put up with a bit of smoke and run the risk of depression on account of the darkness then there is a decent selection of ales. The Cross Keys in Kirkgate doesn’t serve food so that’s a definite plus given the standard elsewhere. It looks a bit grotty but the beer is well-looked after.
Where To Stay
Well we stayed in York and travelled in for the day so we can’t make a proper judgement on any of Thirsk’s hotels. However the fact that we stayed out of town is a reflection on the number, if not the standard, of places to stay here. That being said, The Three Tuns and The Golden Fleece look fine and there are a number of B&Bs. Out of town there are country inns such as the Nag’s Head at Pickhill or The Forresters Arms at Kilburn.
What To Avoid
If it is at all possible, avoid the entire township of Thirsk on days when rampaging Geordies and Mackems come to town for the racing. These, lest you have any doubt, are young gentlemen from the cities of Newcastle and Sunderland respectively, identifiable by designer clothing, aggressive demeanour, short foreheads and being absolutely bladdered. They will almost certainly be shouting to each other at the top of their voices and challenging passing children to fights. They will be using the language of vocabulary-challenged troopers and generally being as much of a pain in the neck to everyone else as they can manage before urinating where they stand and passing out.
The Geordies and Mackems are no doubt fine people, the salt of the Earth, when alone or with their womenfolk, but when in packs they are outstanding candidates for extradition to the colonies. Spend too much time in their company (around two minutes in the Black Bull should do it) and you find yourself turning into the kind of person who wants to read the Daily Mail, drive a Nissan Micra, bring back capital punishment and thinks a spell in the army would do Geordies the world of good.
Culture
Well, we don’t know if you could exactly call it cultural but the Bearded Lady of Thirsk is a must-see for every visitor. This may prove difficult during particularly busy periods for the North of England pornography business or in the run-up to Christmas but the effort should prove worthwhile. On Thursdays around 1.00 she can usually be found at the bus stop near Tesco on Station Road. Nary a finer beard has been seen on the face of any lady since Uncle Albert Trotter had the HRT. If they were alive today, Barnum and Bailey would be at her door waving vast wads of folding money and then sitting back to count the profits.
From the sublime to the veterinarian. Thirsk’s main tourist attraction is The World of James Herriot in Kirkgate, a recreation of the 1940s and 50s animal husbandry surgery that housed Alf Wight, author of the eponymous vet. Thirsk was the Darrowby of the books, films and long-running TV series and the author lived and worked in this house. They’ve clearly spent a lot of time, money and effort on getting this place right and it seems to have paid off. If you once spent Sunday evenings watching Christopher Timothy et al shoving their hands up cows’ derrieres then this should prove an interesting hour or so. Apart from the restored living quarters, there are exhibits about the life of Alf Wight, TV sets and a veterinary museum. You even get the chance to shove your hands up a cow’s arse, just like Peter Davison.
Getting There
National Express have direct services between Thirsk and London, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Cambridge, Leeds, Nottingham, Hull and other destinations. Full details and tickets from Thirsk Travel Centre or via the National Express website. ARRIVA provide train services to Northallerton, Middlesbrough, Darlington, York and beyond with connections to GNER and Virgin Cross country services at York and Darlington.
Teesside Airport (MME) is about 30 minutes drive from Thirsk with scheduled services to Amsterdam and London amongst other destinations. A direct train service connects with Manchester airport and Leeds – Bradford Airport is about 1 hours drive.
Getting To The Course
Getting the train to Thirsk Station may seem like a good idea but you should be warned that it is misleadingly named. The station actually sits in the middle of nowhere (or Carlton Miniott as it is known) about a mile from the racecourse and a mile and a half from the town of Thirsk. It is not too much of a hardship on a dry day but a taxi is a better option when it is raining or on the windy road back from the pub. Thirsk(ish) station sits on the main York-Newcastle line and that brings the mixed blessings of easy travel and drunken Geordies. Twenty minutes will get you here from York and a further 45 minutes from the Toon. There is plenty of parking in Thirsk so taking the car is definitely an option. There’s free parking in town (behind the Kirkgate) and the course is only a short walk away.
About The Course
Thirsk is a left-handed oval track about a mile and a quarter long joining the six furlong straight about half a mile from the finish. The track is undulating and the turns tight so it makes for interesting racing when Jamie Spencer is around. There are something like 14 meetings per season with a liberal sprinkling of evenings for those who have to work for a living.
What To Wear
There are two camps here really. The members’ enclosure operates a strict dress code where males are expected to wear a jacket and tie. Ties can be purchased in situ by the forgetful or affluent. Presumably, this effort is well rewarded by the accompaniment of some decent food. On the occasion of the Midnight Plumbers’ visit, not a tie was to be had between the four of them so off to the plebs area they had to go.
In the Tattersalls area, things are much more informal with the only noticeable dress code being the one operated by the Geordie and Mackem brigade. The uniform in question being the T-shirt. Climate would not seem to be a factor in this matter.
The Plumber
The Travel Guide recommends: Iain’s Domestic Services, Rosedene, Knayton, Thirsk, North Yorkshire YO7 4AZ Tel: 01845 537181.
Perth has been a site of human habitation for at least 8,000 years. It’s a former capital of Scotland, it has grown to a population of over 50,000 people, and it is with just cause known as “the Fair City”. Because its wealth is based more on agriculture than industry, it is to an extent inflation-proof and can cock a snook at the ravaged post-industrial wastelands of Scotland’s central belt. Situated on the banks of the river Tay, its wide streets, open views and many, many trees make it one of the more pleasant cities to spend time in. Trees are a big thing here; Perthshire contains Europe’s oldest and Britain’s tallest, as well as the world’s highest hedge.
Stirling, ancient capital of Scotland, where Highlands and Lowlands meet, historical heart of this great nation and home to (most of) the Midnight Plumbers. Again, much is written about this town, but this unique guide will tell you what the other guides won’t. You can be sure, dear reader, that the information herein is derived from the bitter experience of bona fide locals.
Few visitors to Barbados could care less if it has any culture or not but we know you are more discerning than that. We know you want to know more than the temperature (hot), the quality of the beaches (excellent), the price of beer (reasonable) and the availability of whistling grass (plentiful). You don’t? Stuff you then. We still recommend that you hire a car and get the sand out of your undies for at least a day and explore the inner island. Check out the smaller villages, the chattel houses, the pottery shops and the rum houses. Check out Sunbury Plantation House, the Flower Forest and Holetown.
You can get there on official service buses from just about anywhere on the island and they are regular enough and reliable enough to do the job. The more adventurous should take the smaller, more crowded, noisier and infinitely more interesting ganja buses. They don’t exactly follow timetables and your missus may get sold to gangsters but you get a free whiff of mellow yellow all the way to the course. If the bus is particularly slow getting there then you can at least rest assured you won’t give a monkey’s if you lose your shirt or not. Enjoy the ride.
Let’s just say that Ascot it isn’t. Which is fine by us. The serious punter has several options for watching the races. They can enjoy the view from the Grand Stand, Field Stand, Sir John Chandler Stand or, if they are lucky enough to get an invitation, to the luxurious corporate boxes overlooking the famous paddock bend. Needless to say we didn’t. But for ample compensation there were beers cooling on ice plus fish, chicken and burgers sizzling on open range barbeques. The track itself is a six-furlong turf oval and races range from five to eleven furlongs. The locals take their racing pretty seriously and aren’t slow to let the jockeys know if they’ve cost them a dollar or two. They also seem to like clambering up on the metal railing in the stand and loudly ‘riding’ their winner home. Or at least they did the day we were there. Maybe they had just been on the ganja bus a bit too long. Betting is on the Tote and if you can follow the form in the programme then you are doing well. You could do a lot worse than pick a nice name and cross your fingers. The day we were there, two horses with Scottish names romped home and we weren’t too proud to have backed them.
Hamilton lies just 11 miles south of Glasgow off the M74 motorway and has never really managed to escape from its bigger neighbour’s shadow. The town often displays a grey and depressed mien, although this is belied both by its inhabitants, who are amongst the friendliest and most accommodating in the land, and the fact that it is the birthplace of The Cat. The architecture is very much small-town West of Scotland with a smattering of posh harkening back to brighter times. The Duke of Hamilton, who also held the French title of Duc de Chatelherault, is eponymously associated with the area with a number of landmarks such as the mausoleum and the restored William Adam Hunting Lodge at Chatelherault Country Park celebrating the time when he was one of the most important nobles in Scotland. The hunting lodge was built by Adam for the 5th Duke and was part of the estate at a time when Hamilton Palace was associated more with courtly love and duels than Courtney Love and fights as it is now.
Every racecourse in the UK has a plethora of on-course bookmakers who will be happy to take your money. Usually, they are all grouped together in a common area near to the grandstand like hyenas (and a particularly unattractive bunch of hyenas at that) round a stricken gazelle. They are easily spotted: a squalid advertising board displays their name; a colourful, yet somehow sadly dilapidated, umbrella helps to keep them (and their money) dry; a queue of well-dressed mug punters line up close by. Do not, however, be put off by the bookmakers’ somewhat shabby appearance. Like most predatory animals, they cloak themselves in a way that displays the least sense of threat, inexorably luring the unwary to penury, premature baldness and alcoholism.
Having stated your wager you should now hand over your money to the clerk.
Off-course betting generally means going to a High Street bookmaker such as Ladbrokes or William Hill. These establishments today are a far cry from the dingy, smoke-filled, sticky-floored dives of yesteryear. Now they are sparkly, clean, bright and shiny. Full of electronic wizardry and flashing lights, they aim to seduce you into a world of dogs, horses and puggies: all wholesome gambling fun. Some will offer you complimentary food or beverages. Some will run special promotions for big occasions such as the Derby or Grand National. The staff will often be found dressed in comedy costumes to celebrate some unlikely national or local event. But remember. They just want your money. But of course, you want theirs so there’s no harm done there, then.
Look around and you will see a set of small yellow or white betting slips. Look around again and you will find, scattered amongst the human and artificial detritus, a number of cheap, tiny pens such as might be used by dwarves, small children or Jeremy Beadle. Simply write down the terms of your bet using the latter on the former (the pen on the slip rather than Beadle on the dwarves). Hand your completed slip and stake money to the clerk(ess) behind the Bet Here window at the counter. Now retire to the place of your choosing to await the result.
Telephone betting accounts have been around since well, since the telephone was invented I guess. Quite simple. You open an account with your bookmaker, depositing an amount by credit card or whatever. In return you will receive a telephone number and a little card with various security details. When you want to bet just phone the number, provide the required responses, place your bet and return to your high-octane lifestyle.
Internet betting has increased significantly over the last few years with most of the major chains devoting considerable resources to establishing an Internet presence. William Hill is the biggest in the UK although there are plenty of alternative options to choose from. Internet betting sites require you to open an account. There will be some area on the site where you will need to create a username and password and also provide some personal details. You will also need to put some money into your account before you can start betting – usually via credit card.
If a horse withdraws from the race before coming under Starters’ Orders then the bookmakers are allowed to deduct a small amount from each winning bet. The amount deducted depends on the starting price with more deducted from shorter priced favourites than long-priced outsiders.
Kelso is a charming town in the eastern border country of Scotland. The Tweed sweeps majestically round the edge of the town centre, giving a superb setting for a relaxing break. The centre of town itself is dominated by the large French-style, cobbled square, lined with some impressive period buildings giving this small town an air of gentility and prosperity. The square is dominated by the impressive clock tower of the town hall where tourist information can also be found, and the imposing Cross Keys Hotel. Kelso Abbey, built by David I in the early 12th century is one of several important such sights in the region. Four of them – Kelso, Jedburgh, Dryburgh and Melrose – are linked by the Four Abbeys Cycle route, which understandably passes through Kelso. More information on this route is available from 
The soubriquet Britain’s Friendliest Racecourse is one that Kelso well deserves. It has long been a favourite of the Plumbers and what it lacks in quality racing, it more than makes up in charm and character. Even the infamous Coole Abbey scam of 1998 failed to dampen the Plumbers’ enthusiasm. The course enjoys excellent facilities with the imposing original grandstand now flanked by 2 newer stands offering a wide range of drinks and food. Views at the course are excellent. The Plumbers particularly recommend that you pay the additional 4 quid to enter the members’ enclosure. This affords you a fine view of the action from the upstairs balcony and also the chance to stand right at the winning post and shout at Richard Johnson if that’s what you like to do.
The area is full of European-subsidy fairmers so Barbour hacking jackets and bunnets are in abundance. Do not turn up in a tee-shirt and jeans – it’s not Hamilton you know – even if you are from the North-East of England. The Plumbers recommend a Burberry scarf to finish the outfit. Oh, and remember to attach your members’ enclosure ticket to the zipper of your Barbour.
Born in Barrow County, Georgia, in 1904, Charles Arthur Floyd, alias "Pretty Boy", participated in the Kansas City Massacre in 1933 when four law enforcement officers, including one FBI Special Agent, were killed. A leading light in the classic age of American gangsters, Pretty Boy was up there with John Dillinger, Bonnie and Clyde and Baby Face Nelson. Known as Choc, after the popular local Choctaw Beer, for which, early in his teens, he displayed a liking, Floyd first fell foul of the law when he took part in a hit on a payroll in St Louis in 1925. When the payroll master first described the three unidentified hoods to the police, he referred to Choc as "a mere boy – a pretty boy with apple cheeks." Charlie was sent to Missouri State Penitentiary where for a spell he worked as a cook on kitchen duty, then as a machine operator in the factory where the inmates made their own shoes and clothing, then as a plumber’s assistant. On his release he gained nationwide notoriety as one of the most colorful, nervy bank robbers in the history of Depression-era America. A Robin Hood who enjoyed hitting back against the wealthy for the defence of the poor, he is remembered in legend and in song, recalled not with a shudder but with almost a fond salute. Floyd was killed in 1934 by FBI Agents and local police officers while resisting arrest.
Recognised as the first heavyweight boxing champion of the world, John Lawrence Sullivan was born in Boston, USA, in 1858. Son of a quick-tempered Boston Irishman, he at first attempted to learn a trade, being for a while an apprentice plumber, tinsmith and stonemason. However, as some journeymen colleagues of Sullivan painfully found out, John L’s personal attributes and ego were in fact perfect for prize fighting. On the 7th of February (Super Mario’s birthday) 1882, Sullivan defeated Paddy Ryan to become the first world champion, in front of an audience containing Frank and Jesse James. For the next decade or so Sullivan, despite chronic alcoholism, easily held on to his title, defending it nearly thirty times. These fights were predominately arranged around Sullivan’s great tours of the United States in 1883-4 and 1886-7, whereupon at each stop John L. made his standard offer of one thousand dollars to any man who could last four rounds. He rarely had to pay out for he could "lick any man alive". Finally, on 6 September 1892 in New Orleans, Sullivan lost his title to James J. "Gentleman Jim" Corbett. A visibly ageing Sullivan was knocked out in the twenty-first round. He died on 2 February 1918, probably of heart failure. A massive funeral followed. Fittingly, the frozen earth had to be blasted to make his grave. In the commotion that followed, the Boston Irish finally realised that neither they, nor anyone else, would ever again queue "to shake the hand that shook the world". He is considered still by some to be one of the best heavyweights ever.