Ma Scotland

Pavements covered wi dog turd;

Pieces made wi lemon curd;

Drunken alkies, voices slurred;

Evening news by Jackie Bird,

Hanging oan her every word;

Ma Scotland.

Rain and wind, freezin cauld;

Slim Jim Baxter, Bertie Auld;

Hunners o’ wee men goin bald;

Sky Plus package been installed,

Hope the license van hisnae called;

Ma Scotland.

Bag o’ chips to romance her;

Fags and beer, oh ya dancer;

Every ned a Bengal Lancer;

World leader for lung cancer,

Doctors havnae got an answer;

Ma Scotland.

Deep-fried Mars bars on oor hearts;

Arbroath smokies, Border tarts;

Guid at snooker, guid at darts;

Wet, Wet Wet in the charts,

Whit a bunch of whining farts;

Ma Scotland.

Big Hen Broon still standing tall;

Wee wifies in the shopping maul;

Greggs the bakers, RS McCall;

Huns and Tims, bampots all,

Sectarianism’s always on the ball;

Ma Scotland.

Bowler-hatted marching Brits;

Carol Smillie’s threepenny bits;

Hairstyles worse than Robert Pritz;

Silicon Glen and empty pits,

Traditional industry left in bits;

Ma Scotland.