Burger King Maker

Where do I begin with this one. Prince Charles has gone for McDonalds in his latest tirade. A case, I fear, of the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable, if I may borrow a phrase from Oscar Wilde (class mark 822.8).

Now, don’t get me wrong, you’ll never catch any member of the LLF passing through the Golden Arches in preference to the nearest organic lentil cafe. They are the very epitome of corporate evil – peddling inferior, mass-produced, animal based foodstuffs to the masses with the promise of good times and plastic toys, paying the staff peanuts (non-organic ones at that) and mercilessly demolishing the planet’s resources as they go. We welcome support from anyone in our mission to have this behemoth brought to justice. But Prince Charles?

We have always taken a republican stance (sorry, ma’am, but can we assume you’ll still be opening the new Sunnybank branch library this summer?) and believe, sisters and brothers, that there is no place for a monarchy in a civilised democratic society. Charles is entitled to his opinion, as we all are (provided your library card is up to date) but to be told not to eat at McDonalds by a prince of the realm who has looked up from his Krug and truffles just long enough to issue his decree just makes me want to go large as an act of revolutionary defiance. Hell’s Bells, things could get a bit Sheridan down at the drive-thru if that were to happen.

So you see our problem. Or at least it would be a problem had we failed to see through such an obvious bourgeois diversionary tactic. This is a cruel artisto trick. A conspiracy betwixt ailing corporate leviathans and our own dear Royal anachronism. While we are arguing about whether the Big Mac contains real beef, Charles can quietly get on with the business of shooting defenseless wildlife. Comrades, do not be fooled. We will not be duped by thoughts of nuggets and fries and will continue our campaign to have Burke’s Peerage weeded from stock. Not lovin’ it!

Tommy’s Ode to Joy

On the occasion of Mr Tommy Sheridan announcing that he may form a new socialist party after infighting among the members of the SSP prompted by salacious and unfounded tales of his private life. Mr Sheridan has been found by a court of law to be not guilty of random and wanton shagging. These are (not really) his words.

Naebody knows where ma johnny has gone
It was here jist the other day
I’ve got two left in the packet
But I’m worried aboot DNA

It’s ma party and I’ll say goodbye if I want to
Lie if I want to, unzip ma fly if I want to
You wid sigh too if it happened to you

Been fighting Trident and the war in Iraq
Leave me alone for a while
Till I find that lost johnny
I’ve got no reason to smile

It’s ma party and I’ll buy a Thai if I want to
Gie her the eye if I want to, stroke her thigh if I want to
You wid try Spanish Fly too if it happened to you

Ode to Tommy Sheridan (Allegedly)

On the undignified occasion of the court case involving Thomas Sheridan and the News of the World.
But why the fuss? In the words of Karl Marx, “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs”. And Tommy needs a shag.

Tommy the Commie
Man of his words
Power to the people
Espeshully the burds
(Allegedly)

Tommy the Tiger
He’s grrrrreat
A socialist, a sexualist
And definitely straight
(Allegedly)

Tommy the Marxist
Tells workers to unite
Nowt to lose but their chains
Tho handcuffs are alright
(Allegedly)

Tommy the Suntan
Wi his face so red
Has a large majority
And a party in his bed
(Allegedly)

Nescafe No More

Fair trade fortnight is finally here! It’s taken seven years to get off the ground but we’ll finally be able to sink the boot into Nescafe. Gold Blend? That couple would be the first against the wall if I had my way. Evil promoters of third world poverty and they obviously get sex quite often. My trigger finger’s itchy already. Or maybe it’s RSI from the bookstamping.

FFF has the full support of the Library, I can tell you. Dangerous Dave is already talking about turning a blind eye if anybody comes into the library with a coffee as long as it’s Café Direct! ( Sorry I didn’t mean blind, I meant “disabled due to inaccessible library systems resulting in visual impairment“ – sometimes forget the most basic of PC stuff when there’s a campaign on!)

There’s a whisper in the Library that Tesco’s student shelf-stackers are on board too so Gold Blend will be a bit less prominently displayed for the fortnight, shall we say. Or maybe it was that Tesco’s student shelf stackers are all bored, that’s the problem with whispers in the Library they can be hard to make out. Not that we tolerate many whispers in here right enough. Dangerous has started saying “eridan” under his breath after every time he says “Shhh” so things are kept pretty quiet here now I can tell you.

Of course we’ll both be on the Café Direct at tea breaks, and I don’t care how shaky our hands get – I’m having a second cup. Not such good news on the home front I’m afraid. Dangerous’ Mum is refusing to play ball and buy the proper stuff so he’ll have to go back to the Nescafe in the house. And I’ve got nearly a full jar of the stuff so I doubt I’ll run out in the fortnight.

We were going to distribute tons of the leaflets as well, but once we’d done a proper risk assessment we realised that it was quite likely the main entrance would get blocked as people stood to read them. And all that paper’s got to increase the risk of fire. Hell’s bells though, it’s all getting a bit Sheridan in here!