Anyone But England

Written on the occasion of the 2006 World Cup and in the wake of ‘controversy’ over Wee Jack’s declaration of support for Trinidad and Tobago.

What’s so bad
About supporting Trinidad?
If ah may say so
Ah can follow Tobago
If ah want

Ah’m the kind of guy
That quite likes Paraguay
And if it suits my needs
Ah’ll be behind the Swedes
So shut it

Italy or Ukraine,
Brazil, Switzerland or Spain
Poland or Japan
Germany, Ghana or Iran
Whoever

Any eejit can see
I’ll be supporting A.B.E.
And if that’s sad
Well it’s just too effin bad.
So there

Ah dinnae care
If I get a row fae Tony Blair
I’m Scottish to the hilt
So get it right up your kilt
Ya bass

C’moan T and T
C’moan Russell Latapy
Anyone But England dis for me
A.B.E.
A.B.E.
A.B.E.

Ode to Zinedine Zidane

Wan nil to Ingerlund

Wi 90 minutes gone

Tyldesley’s daen ma nut in

But hang oan here’s Zidane

He’s lining up a free kick

Gaun yersel big man

Calamity for Calamity

Ya beauty it’s wan wan

Ah’m supposed tae be neutral

First Minister an aw that

But even David Blunkett

Can see Gerard’s a prat

A hospital pass tae Calamity

He’s ta’en the legs aff Henry

The ref’s pointed tae ra spot

Help ma boab a penalty

Get it up ye, get it up ye

Get it up ye Tony Blair

Your boys took a beating

Fae a man wi no much hair