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McConnell Log

A very liberal democrat

On the happy occasion of the announcement of the forthcoming lesbian nuptials of Margaret Smith, Liberal-Democrat MSP for Edinburgh West.

If it wisnae for oor lesbians where wid we be
In a parliament of rampant heterosexuality
Cause we’d hae nae minorities or even be non-PC
If we didnae hae oor share o’ the lezzies

Oh Maggie Smith is wonderful, oh Maggie Smith is swell
Cause she’s not only a lezzie, she’s getting wed as well
It’s tae anither wummin in case ye couldnae tell
Oh we’re fair modern, we’ve got married lezzies

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McConnell Log

Big Tam takes a flakey

On the occasion of Sean “Big Tam” Connery complaining about the promotion of Scotland, saying he won’t support Tartan Day again and saying the people of Scotland should ‘take to the streets’.

Whit is it wi’ Big Tam?
The wife-beating
Miserable bam.

He wis a milkman
Fer goad’s sake.
Noo he’s a feckin ham.

The man who wants to be king?
That wis just a film.
He’s an actor. It’s a scam.

So he’s in a huff,
Whit’s feckin new?
Like I should give a damn.

Noo he wants a revolution,
Scots taking to the streets?
The streets o’ the Bahamas?
Whit a feckin sham.

Greatest living Scotsman?
I think you’ll find ah am.

Shut it, big Tam.
Haud yer wheesht.

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McConnell Log

Ode to Gorgeous George

Indefatigable arse
Lickspittle arse
Popinjay arse
Respect? Ma arse

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McConnell Log

Charlie’s awa

Charlie’s gone
As the Lib-Dems wished.
But did he jump
Or was he pished?

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McConnell Log

Ode to poor Charlie Kennedy

He’s ginger
That’s the problem.
Don’t blame stress or Inverness,
It’s because he’s ginger.
It’s just no fair
To have red hair,
He drinks because he’s ginger.
Melanin in the cortex
Makes his roots go red.
Makes him mental in the head
And drink because he’s ginger.
Walk a mile in his hair
And then you’ll understand.
Don’t condemn.
Don’t rebuke.
Don’t give the ginger guy a dirty look.
Poor Charlie likes a drink
And you would too
If you were ginger.

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McConnell Log

Winter holiday

We’ve aw been on a winter holiday

Wi the Warks for a week or two

Sex and politics oan a winter holiday

Practising for a future interview

For a week or two.

Ye can stick it where the sun ain’t shining

Ye can stick it where the air is blue

I’ve been partying with Kirsty

So it’s tough shit for you.

Everybody wants a friend like Kirsty

She’s fit, she’s loyal and true

So when ah get questions fae Kirsty

Ah also get the answers too

For me not you.

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McConnell Log

Edwin Morgan’s tea is oot

Whit is it wi Edwin Morgan?

Is he looking for a fight?

Is he cruising for a bruising?

Is it cos he cannae write?

Ah’m the poet in this toon

Ah’m a poet in ma prime

Ah’m Jack Topaz McConnell

Morgan cannae even rhyme

His poems are pure rubbish

They couldnae be much dimmer

Ah’m no staunin for that shite

Fae an old bloke wi a zimmer

I ken fine whit he was up tae

He wis trying to get me going

Am gonnae put my fit up his arse

Till only ma heel is showing

He wis trying to wind me up

Wi that “wisnae me” sly dig

Me sittin wi the Queen an aw

The auld bugger’s sure a pig

Ah gave free care for the elderly

An whit thanks dae ah get, eh?

The auld sod jist takes the piss

In front of Nicola Benedetti

But ah’ll hae the last laugh

When he pops his vital organ

Ah’ll be the poet laureate

The New Labour Edwin Morgan

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McConnell Log

We didn’t start the Parly

Sheena Easton, Weir’s Way, Donald Dewar, Paul McStay,

Jimmy Spankie, Jimmy Krankie, Billy Connolly

Lorraine Kelly, Banquo’s ghost, Willie Carson, Sunday Post

Jimmy Shand, Burntisland, Dougie Donnelly

Denis Law, Thane o’ Cawdor, Carol Smillie, Harry Lauder

Border tart, Braveheart, Daniel Nardini

Arnold Clark, Rob Roy, Jackie Bird, Peter McCloy

Fran and Anna, Fyffye’s banana, Shereen Nanjiani

We didn’t start the Parly

Costs were always rising

Because of bad advising

We didn’t start the Parly

No they didn’t cost it

So we nearly lost it

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McConnell Log

The Fraser Report

It wisnae Donald

And it wisnae me

It wisnae Henry

And it wisnae me

It wisnae Steele

And it wisnae me

It wisnae Miralles

And it wisnae me

It wisnae naebody

But it wisnae me

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McConnell Log

Oor parliament’s finished

The builders have finished,

Well sort of.

We’ve aw moved in,

More or less.

They’ve cleaned up the mess,

Well most o’ it.

Noo everyone’s happy,

Happy-ish.

It was cheap at £440 million

It…..

Ach forget it.